Coping with the Death of a Loved One
Thursday, February 11, 2010 
Guest Post by Kaylin McFarren
Everyone during their lifetime is faced with the possibility of losing a dear friend, family member or loved one. Each of us along with terminally-ill patients has been known to experience the same steps of grief before coming to terms with acceptance.
1 – Denial
Upon hearing a disheartening report, the recipient immediately retaliates with a conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, or the reality of the given situation. It's a defense mechanism and perfectly natural. Some people can become locked in this stage when dealing with traumatic change and simply refuse to move on.
2 – Anger
Frustration can manifest itself in different ways. People dealing with emotional upset can be angry with themselves or with others – especially anyone close to them. Some lash out at God, avoid their workplaces, and even isolate themselves.
3 - Bargaining
This stage often involves attempting to bargain with a religious deity. Some individuals are driven to convert and others offer themselves in trade to save a dying loved one.
4 - Depression
This is the dress rehearsal or the practice run for the 'aftermath' although this stage means different things depending on whom it involves. It's a sort of acceptance with emotional attachment. It's natural to feel sadness and regret, fear and uncertainty. It demonstrates that the person has begun to accept the reality or brutal truth.
5 - Acceptance
At this point, emotional detachment and objectivity helps individuals cope. People dying often enter this stage long before the people they leave behind.
The death of someone close to you brings an array of emotions, including sadness, regret, sympathy and remorse. While dealing with death can be devastating, the time allowed before the death of a loved one does allow family and friends to say goodbye and to help wrap up any affairs with which the terminally ill person might need assistance.
Yet how does one move on after losing a loved one?
Step 1 - Be thankful that they no longer have to suffer the cruelties of this world
Step 2 - Forgive yourself for all the things you wished you had done for them
Step 3 - Make them proud as they look down upon the works of your hands.
On a Personal Note
Kaylin McFarren sat before her computer writing FLAHERTY'S CROSSING as a source of personal therapy
after losing her beloved father to colon cancer. You might say she was angry at him, at God, at the world in general. However, after writing this story, she had the opportunity to really look into her soul and consider the fact that so many other sons and daughters have had to deal with similar and even worse situations. Rather than a memoir, her novel evolved into a fictional journey which brought about the resolution she needed to find. She never expected this exercise in writing to go to press, touch lives, or win literary awards. But as a result of her good fortune, she has arranged for 100% of the proceeds from the sale of this book to go directly to cancer research at Portland’s Providence Medical Center. She's now convinced and proudly shares her belief that good things can grow out of the worst times in our lives if you just take the time to open your heart.
Reader Comments (15)
Kaylin, this is a very tough topic to tackle :) In my job as a nurse, dealing with grief is something you learn how to do instinctively. As an individual, I've come to understand, grieving is part of living life. So, with the really good, fantastic times come the days when we have to stop what we're doing and say good-bye to something or someone who has meant a lot to us. The good news? As much as I struggle while I'm going though tough days, I think I'm a better person for it.
Thank you, Susan. I continue to admire individuals who dedicate themselves to caring for others and also assist family members with this transition. You are to be commended as are the millions of professionals in the medical field. It is truly my hope that the proceeds I'm donating from Flaherty's Crossing's book sales makes a difference in lives - not only by inspiring readers, but also by finding a cure at Portland's Providence Medical Research Center. Kaylin :)
A very moving post, Kaylin,and obviously written with a depth of understanding. Hugs to you on your own loss and thanks for the inspiration.
Kaylin:
What a wonderful tribute to your father. He'll live on in the lives you save with your generousity.
Looking forward to reading the entire book and have a feeling it will make a beautiful gift for people who have lost a loved one to cancer.
It's amazing how those steps work for so many things. They work not only for the loss of a loved one, but also for a loss of your normal function with a chronic illness. Thanks for having us realize the steps, sometimes we don't see them.
Thanks Carolyn and Tami! I guess these steps can apply to just about any given situation - even with authors like myself who have traveled the journey to publication.The rejections, criticism, ponderance over maintaining the pursuit or walking away from a writing career. Whether it's contending with loss or simply disenchantment over failed goals, peace and acceptance comes down to the choices we make. We can fill our lives like a coffee cup with great hope, dedication, and contentment. Or we can stare into it's emptiness wondering what might have been...
Kaylin,
This topic is something everyone can relate to. Thanks for sharing your heart.
Kaylin - thanks for posting on this difficult subject! Writing is certainly great therapy and can be a great legacy to those no longer with us. {{hugs}}.
Thank you, Victoria and Darla. This subject is truly not an easy one to broach but definitely one we all eventually have to face. And writing has indeed proven to be therapeutic. I would encourage others to consider this avenue whether through letters, journals or stories. :)
Kaylin,
Grief can seem insurmountable to one who is going through it. I think by sharing the you're going through your grief can help others understand their own journey. As a therapist, I've journeyed with people throught these steps. In my own life, I've experienced this through the loss of a friend to ovarian cancer, and in the deaths of family members. As a writer, I find it challenging to tap into my own painful experiences in order to bring the pain of a character to life. But what a tribute it is to your father to take your own pain of loss and use your writing to navigate through.
Linda
Beautifully stated, Linda! My heart goes out to anyone who has endured or witnessed similar situations as ours. As authors, we can only hope that our words bring relief and comfort, and that our readers might realize that suffering in this lifetime cannot compare to the glory that awaits.
Great post!
Thanks, Amy. Appreciate you taking the time to read it!! :D
Kaylin, Thank you for sharing this post. As a radiation therapist, I can appreciate what you endured during your father's battle and passing. I love that you have written a book to help others cope and go thru the stages of grief. I especially liked your "Steps" to moving on. I think #2 is such a big one: Forgiving yourself for not doing more... too many times, those left behind take on the guilt of "I should have done more" instead of knowing that everything you did made their journey so much better. I know your dad is grateful.
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