Tragic Discrimination by our Family Court System of Good Mothers While our Children Pay the Price
Friday, August 21, 2009
Do good mothers really lose custody?
Yes, there has been a tragic trend in our family court system to take parental rights away from good mothers and give it to sociopathic abusive fathers. Throughout history, when Mother’s were given physical custody by default, father’s regularly retained legal custody of their children, even if they were "deadbeat dads," they retained parental rights. Today, good Mother’s are put on trial daily in this country just to retain parental rights of their children and children are caught up in this horrific trend.
Research shows us that children of single parent or divorced families do far better by knowing both parents, regardless of the parents’ life situation. This has been a defense of the court system to allow abusive and dangerous father’s to at minimum, still have parental rights over their children. It has been, throughout history, extremely difficult to lose parental rights; this is not so for Mother’s today, yet it is still fiercely upheld for bad fathers.
There are several reasons good Mothers lose custody and the top of the list is the unfortunate reality of financial status. Fathers that have the money to take a custody battle into the family court system for several years, usually (approximately 80% of the time), wins full custody and the Mother, not only loses her 50% physical custody, but loses her parental rights, as well. This is a devastating and difficult situation for the mother as well as the children.
If you or a mother you know is caught up in this system, get out as fast as you can so the damage is minimal. If you try to fight him and you think telling the truth about his abusive and terrorizing behavior means anything in family court, except that you are exaggerating, over-protective and trying to keep your children from their father, you will lose your children.
How does this happen?
First and foremost, I am a believer that both parents need to be a part of children’s lives if at all possible. What I am writing about is very specific to good mothers losing parental rights.
The playing field in family court is rarely equal and Mothers are assumed "guilty" and must defend their good mother practices with a lot of time, resources and most of all, lots and lots of cash, until they can prove themselves "innocent." This archaic treatment of women is reminiscent of the Salem witch trials and McCarthyism during the Cold War without all of the social panic episodes.
When the threat of losing your parental rights sets into motion, a good mother naturally becomes protective of her children and of her parental rights. If she does not display a protective nature, she is viewed as apathetic to her children’s needs. If she shows an equal tenacity to protect of her parental rights as the father does, then she is viewed as pathologically overbearing and smothering of her children while attempting to alienate the father from his children; this is a terribly devastating and hopeless no-win situation.
If you are a mother with a history of child abuse, and/or have taken ant-depressants, or have been in an adult abusive relationship even if it was with the father of your children, your parental rights will be harshly challenged. Mothers with this kind of history are further terrorized through the family court system by court experts. Court experts are usually forensic psychologists and/or psychiatrists whom are a rare breed if they do not base their findings on history rather than on immediate and current data.
If the father wants to fight and has the financial resources to do so, if you cannot meet or exceed his financial resources, the likelihood of the father getting custody and the mother losing parental rights is extremely high.
Do whatever you can to get out of the system, including letting the father get away with no child support and for goodness sake, let the little things go like dirty clothes or never returned sneakers; this is the very real and very sad reality of our nation’s family court system.
What do I do now?
First, get support from other Mothers who have been through the family court system. Every state has different laws and trends and California tends to be the "leader," if you will, in this latest trend of taking parental rights from good mothers.
Despite state differences, there are predictable actions that lawyers attempt in custody litigation; listen to the commonalities of what others have experienced and believe what you learn. Do not believe for a moment that your case is different. Fathers that have kidnapped their children, violated court orders and refused to pay child support, still win custody.
Second, hire a professional mediator to help you facilitate a custody arrangement. Their fees average about $150-250/hour compared to $500-600/hour for a good family law attorney. Find a mediator that is certified and associated with the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts [AFCC].
If your child’s father is like what I described earlier, do not let your feelings that justice will be served if they [the court] only knew the truth: let it go. Figure out how to let him have most of what he wants so you can maintain your parental rights and possibly more than 50% physical custody.
Third, do not give up. Get loans, get emotional support and do whatever it takes to fight for your children. Know that it will likely be a demeaning and destructive experience, prepare yourself and do not give up.
Last, Fathers that go to this extreme are most often sociopaths. Although less common, Mothers can be sociopaths, too, but their tactics do not usually include the family court system.
Irene Watson, MA, is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.
Reader Comments (3)
Your pejorative use of fathers as "sociopathic abusive fathers" clearly points out your lack true lack of knowledge of Parental Alienation Syndrome, in which a mother loses physical custody because of false accusations. PAS has been used to defend fathers against malicious mothers ever since it was defined as a "scientifically acceptable" defense by sociopaths.
Furthermore, it is a type of "projection" used by sociopaths moms to blame fathers for their own shortcomings, and despite the angelic presentations as "protective" moms, many times it is not the case.
Women don't lose because of money; they lose because they are liars, and alienators of children.
"scientifically acceptable" defense by sociopaths. I meant to say "defense by the courts."
You were right the first time. Parental Alienation is the defense of the sociopath who abuses the children.